— January 19 —
I finally got back to TKD today.
I haven’t really been there since I broke my toe in October. I went maybe once after it started healing, but then the play took over and the Principal told me not to worry about class and just focus on what I needed to do elsewhere. Then I went back again maybe once or twice when I got back, maybe three times. Then the holiday came and they reduced their hours, and then I sliced my finger on New Years Day and fell into a funk and just didn’t go back.
So for the month of January I’ve been sitting in my house, growing a bad attitude. I’m tired. I don’t feel like going. It’s cold outside. I’m embarrassed. They’ve made too many changes, I’m scared. I don’t want to spend money on testing. My uniform is dirty. I don’t feel well. Etc.
And through the month of January my shoulder began hurting again from the accident. It made me mad for a lot of reasons having to do with my treatment after the accident, delays and feeling my pain was minimized and the ultimate settlement and stuff.
–Sidenote: about that “pain minimized” thing. I kept saying my shoulder hurt, but was never referred to physical therapy until about three months after the accident. My therapist was fantastic, and immediately explained to me why my doctor thought I was only just being a whiner and not taking me seriously. Apparently I’m a hyperflexible person (she proved it with 7 measurements of my flexibility), and with the accident I was reduced to only “normal” range of motion for most people. But MY range of motion was diminished, except nobody knew that until the injury had set and was too difficult to actually fix. So my doctor would look at me and have me move my arm and see nothing amiss and think I was just a whiner.
Sucks to be me.
So anyway, my shoulder started hurting for the past buncha weeks, corresponding with my falling off of TKD classes, and I knew in my heart that the only way to fix my shoulder pain was to start exercising regularly again. Plus I was only getting tireder and “fluffier.”
But “waah waah waah waah waah” went my attitude.
So today I kicked its butt. I went to class. I had a bad attitude going in, but I had a good attitude coming out. It was a great class, and I did some things well, got a few “attaboys,” and we spent the last twenty minutes learning some Eskrima. I love Eskrima.
The attaboys don’t really matter, I guess, but they’re nice because I am always feeling underestimated. So the attaboys I earn are not … patronizing … as in “you are fat girl so I think you be lazy unmotivated whiner unless I shout ‘YOU CAN DO IT’ in your ear the whole time.” I had one guy in class do that to me once. It pissed the hell outta me. These people do not know how competitive I am. I mean, I may actually be a whiner, but that’s supposed to be my secret. I’ll never let on. (Unless I write about it in my blog.)
Anyway, I digress. The attaboys are in context of my surpassing their expectations. Granted, their expectations of me are rather low, but that’s okay. At my level, that makes it easy to surpass them. And then I feel like I’ve earned them for what I’ve done, not endured them for who I am.
But I’m losing my own point here. I grew a bad attitude and I had to kick its butt to get rid of it.
Some of the changes instituted in the past month or two that were a bit of an obstacle:
1) Grandmaster is now teaching Monday night classes. While I know how wonderful it is for him to be there, I am afraid of him. Not afraid of him, but afraid of not living up to his expectations. It’s his school, after all. And I’ve passed half the belt levels, so it’s embarrassing to forget or be bad or weak at high green belt. I expect better of myself. Plus, he kicks our asses regularly. But all of that is a silly reason and I think I’ve gotten over it.
2) Class times have been increased from an hour to an hour and a half. Now when that was first announced I was actually looking forward to it. But after sitting on my butt for a month, I began to dislike the idea of jumping from zero to an hour and a half at high belt level. I wished there was an intermediate, “welcome back, we’ll be easy on you” level. But again, that was silly. Of course they’re not going to be easy on me. It’s TKD. If anything, they’ll be harder on me and make me learn my lesson for staying away. But they didn’t. Either that, or I didn’t lose as much stamina as I’d feared.
3) Required new hand guard equipment. Cost: $120. Required to bring sparring equipment to every class. Yeah, I didn’t like this. This new cost came at the absolute worst time for me, and the implication of bringing gloves and sparring gear to every class meant that our focus was shifting more into sparring, which I’ve done everything to avoid. I don’t want to spar. Not so much for fear of getting hurt, but mostly for fear of the reports of how utterly exhausted you get in those two minute sessions. I just don’t feel I’m up to it yet. Of course, getting to high green belt and “not feeling up to it” is kinda my own problem, isn’t it? It’s because I’ve been avoiding it that I’m not feeling up to it. So, there. That’s my answer.
After tonight, I feel like I want to try to go to class every night. I could really make progress if I did. Of course, you know I don’t really believe myself. Even if I did, I’ve got too many commitments on too many nights. CoPA board meetings and schmoozes, BVAG meetings, Writers Group meetings, plays and art shows I’m expected to attend, subbing on a dart team :), dinner with my husband when I’m not busy doing the above.
But hey. I went tonight. I broke the long stretch of inaction. It feels good, like I knew that it would.
That’s all that matters at the moment, right?
A picture to end with: