I’m all like this and I’m all like that …

— Jamuary 17 —

I feel like my energy is all jammed up lately. No motivation to do much of anything. I must take steps to remedy this, but I’m not quite sure what to do to get out of this funk.

Today, I did a few things but nothing of much consequence.

I made a berry smoothie, with fresh raspberries, blueberries and blackberries, and milk and agave syrup.

I didn’t realize it was supposed to snow again, so when I woke up (late) and looked outside I was surprised. I expected the dog to be surprised as well, so I took a picture of him the first time I let him out.

He didn’t seem too surprised about the snow. I wonder what dogs think when they are suddenly confronted by snow each season? Do they remember it from last year? Are they genetically programmed to take it in stride? Are they like us, and think, “Huh, it snowed again!” and just deal with it? I wish I knew.

He has been bugging me a lot lately, wanting to go outside and inside, wanting treats, whining, snuggling, etc. I figure I’m not being active enough for him these days, so today I finally took him for a real walk, not just the lazy version I’ve been getting away with lately. He was all excited. I was all afraid I’d hit some ice and fall. That’s why the picture is blurry … I’m paying more attention to where I’m stepping than where I’m aiming.

We saw some pretty Christmas lights in the snow, too, but I didn’t want to be all obvious about pointing my camera at the house. So I tried to be all not obvious. It wrecked the picture. I still think it looks like a bad 70s photo though, which makes it somehow artsy.

That’s it for pictures? Gosh I’ve been boring lately. I broiled some chicken breasts for dinner and ate it with rice and beans. Steam cleaned a portion of the kitchen floor. Finalized plans for an outing for the Bay View Arts Guild. Made a batch of SodaStream “Diet Dr. Pepper.” Watched television. Sat in a chair. Read the internet.

I need a job.

My son’s girlfriend came over and trimmed my bangs tonight. She’s going to school to be a hairdresser, but had to quit for awhile after she got pregnant. My son was friends with her before she got pregnant, and I know they liked each other but they weren’t really dating. He started dating her after she was already pregnant, so I’m in the sort-of weird position of trying to get into “grandma” mode of being a kind of “step-grandma,” and I’m having more difficulty with it than I expected. Because they’ve only been dating a few months, I don’t want to be all “if you’re going to be involved in this kid’s life then you’ve got to make sure you’re serious about her,” because that’s too much pressure for someone who isn’t ready for that step. He’s at the very least helping his friend out, and if it turns out to be a long-term relationship, great! But they shouldn’t go into it expecting more than what should be expected of a relationship that is only a few months old. So anyway, I feel like if I knew they were committed to each other I could welcome the child as a grandson, but since the relationship is so new I feel a bit lost about who I will be to the child.

I like babies, but I never actually looked forward to grandchildren, at least not yet. So … I’m open and ready to welcome this child as a grandma, but my emotions are a bit jumbled about all the unknowns involved. I keep thinking about how the child is not my blood relation, and for that to even be a thought in my head completely appalls me about myself. It shouldn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, so I don’t know why it seems to be an emotional question for me. I am quite sure that once I meet the child, I will fall in love with him. But I think the problem is, if it was my blood relation, then I’d always be grandma, always and forever. But since it’s not, there’s a chance that someday I won’t.

I may have just hit on the reason I’m in a funk. Well, that, and another huge worry about, umm, we’ll just call it “the economy.”

And with that I’m done talking.